woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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