my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
