booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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