dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
