perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
