too bad you live with your parents still
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
