All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
