Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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