The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
