things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He shit in the fireplace
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
