Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
