4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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