It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
