Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ketchup is God's man juice
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
