we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
