dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
