we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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