I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
