Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
