Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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