How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
