3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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