I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
