smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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