the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
