oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We got so high we made milksteak
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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