Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
