Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
