mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
