I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my shit smells like andre
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
