Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
