i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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