I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
