So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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