we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
