it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
