I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
