you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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