I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
