alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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