My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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