I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
