I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
