thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
