I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
