So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
