i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
