ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
