Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
