guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
